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I wanna kiss you but my senses tell me to stop.......
Erm your tail lights out and.....you've got no knees!
Recent Entries 
23rd-Apr-2017 02:58 am - We've come a long way...
So life happened! Lots of fun, amazing, sad, stories along the way. I'm now a grown up married woman who is 90% happy. I still have dark twisty days and weeks but in general life is good. I've stopped all self harm, have a job I genuinely love and I am head over heels in love with Stephen who saved me in more ways than he really understands. He is also part of the reason I've felt the need to start writing again.

Tonight is the 5th time in as many weeks I've wanted to write down what I'm thinking and feeling so decided to go for it. The reason? We are trying for a baby! This is all kinds of exciting and scary. I want a baby more than anything. That bomb went off inside me and now it's a voice I can't shut up and since I'm nearly 34 time is ticking onwards.

For perspective I had an ectopic pregnancy which miscarried at approx 10 weeks in 2013. I was missed one pill one day and that was just my lucky day I suppose but it wasn't to be. I stopped my pill again in December last year and we opted to give it a few months to leave my system before starting to try and we got impatient and started trying properly on the 31st March. I know, that wasn't that long ago but I'm just super impatient.

I've had one period since coming off the pill which was in February and I have a fertility app on my phone to track my BBT and cervical fluids. It also predicts when I'm ovulating based on when my periods are and that is the root of my current frustrations, since I'm not having any the tracker shows me info but it's not correct. I have never in my life wished so hard to have a period!

My mind is playing tricks with me too. I'm so hopeful that I think I'm imagining symptoms at times. I've felt horribly nauseous in the afternoons/early evening every night for over a week now. Fine in the mornings but it's difficult doing my work which involves a degree of bending up and down which isn't good when you feel like you need to hurl.

If you have followed my blog back when I was growing up and are still here you will probably have guessed that I have seriously struggled with my mental health over the years and used to self harm as a release. I now work in admin for a mental health team. I've learned so much from the people I work with to help me manage it and Stephen is amazing. He used to have a hard time a few years back when my moods were very sharp and he got the brunt of it most of the time. It could turn in an instant from utter happiness to despair and he stuck by me and I think things are better. I hope he feels that way too but there are always moments. I guess that's why I'm back writing. To help with the disappointment of negative tests and anything else that (hopefully doesn't) come our way.
21st-Oct-2010 01:20 am - Happy

Hello livejournal we havent met in so long!!

Looking back through my old entries i seem to only use LJ when i was down, depresssed and needed a good vent.

I had a random thought the other day and its truely terrified me, i think im happy. I dont honestly remember the last time i could say i was truely happy and not worried about something id buried deep inside.

Dave is moving over from Australia to be with me which is a massive thing to happen. We have been friends for 12.5yrs online so hopefully we can build the rest of it to make it last another 12.5!

I am now paying back money to all my debts bar one which i will get sorted soon as im in a comfortqble routine and managing to pay all the rest with no problems.

Work is going well in that im now a full time manager, earning steady money and so far coping with what is being asked of me.

So all in all my life might finally be recovering from all the shit of yester year and getting to the good part. Heres hoping that my new entries are better going forward :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

15th-Mar-2009 05:13 am - :(
Can't decide if tonight was a good night or a bad night.

Fucking wanker boy and his new whore turned up at the mission half way through the night and proceeded to dance right beside us so i couldn't bloody escape them. It was either whore features and her hackett stick of a friend or else it was him and her being all lovely dovey to a fucking rock song which isnt even grindable to?!? I also got the lovely comment of being "Little Miss Nobody" as stick and whore wandered past me because i was waiting at the door for my friends. I feel sorry to point out a few home truths but i am far from being Little Miss nobody these days. I have so many friends who respect me and actually want to spend time with me. I don't need to put on a show or worry about things when im around them cause they just accept me for who i am.

Have to give huge shouts to Alex, Martin, Nicky and Liz for tonight and for helping me to keep calm and not punch the mother fuckers in the face.

Im still so angry though that they made me feel uncomfortable in one of the places i feel most comfortable and don't have to hide who i am. Right now i wish more than anything that i could text the one person who would reassure me completely and hug me till i felt better. Problem is that she is on the other side of the world and i cant contact her at all. It hurts so much to not be able to call her or just see her smiling cause her smile could literally warm a cold dark room and ANYBODY who knows her would agree to that fact. 13 months is so long to wait for her :( Feels like i lost a limb as well as a best friend.
7th-Feb-2009 01:05 pm - Ailsa
Its the strangest mixture of emotions being so happy for someone cause they have achieved their goals and for being so selfish and upset that the person got what they wanted all at the same time. Ailsa got her job in New York which im so happy about cause i know how much she desperately wanted it. She leaves in 4 weeks time. I don't know what im going to do without her.
21st-Jan-2009 10:41 pm - thumping on the keys
I have been trying for weeks to sit down and actually do my review of last year and edit my new years resolutions which i have made up but just never had the time to put into words and now that i find myself with a moment to do it im stuck feeling really annoyed so can't be bothered. It also doesnt help that im on Terri's laptop and my programme which has those entries to edit is on my computer which is on the whole other side of this room.

I even did something that i never ever do....i put a personal yet non identifying rant post up on my bebo page. With so many colleagues and managers on my bebo page these days i never post anything of real significance so as to keep myself out of trouble.

Im in the type of mood where i just want to keep drumming on these keys getting every little pathetic thought out of my head and for everything to be nice, early and crystal clear for at least once in my life. This year is shaping up to suck the biggest load of balls ever in the world and my group of people i regard as my safety net and preparing to dissolve in half. By spring two of my best friend will be gone to various areas of the world and the other two wil be further settled in with their families. Am i being left behind? Im on this whole new business related journey but i dont know if the rest of my life has stalled because of it. I want nothing more than to pool all my money (what little i have) together and to jet half way around the world to spend time with a guy i have never physically met yet have spoken to online and through emails since i was 14 years old. He is the country i want to be in and is probably my soul mate but its something i dont know and dont know if i will ever get to knwo.

Sigh Im going to end this here cause i have just spiralled into a very confusing and surprising tangent which i need to get my head round. Plus if i keep typing at such a pace i feel i may break the keys on Terri's laptop and i doubt she would be at all pleased with me for that one.
18th-Dec-2008 04:49 am - MEN!!!!
You are a fucking idiot!! If you don't realise that i kinda love you then you don't deserve me. I would do absolutely anything for you and you just can't see it or you don't want to see it. Stop playing games with me cause you know i cant resist it cause it's you and you nkow the way i feel. Wish i could say all this to you but in not strong enough :(
14th-Dec-2008 04:19 am - I hate...
I hate when my friends hurt and i don't know why or how to help
I hate the way i feel about myself
I hate the fact i need to be drunk to feel free and happy
I hate the way i am
I hate how much i adore him
I hate that he doesn't adore me
I hate that people I barely see notice more than the ones i see everyday
I hate that I can't seem to find what i want/need
I hate the way i look
I hate the way i feel
I hate that i miss you
I hate that you know i do
I hate that the night ended like this
I hate that i want to cry

This is a lot of hate but right now i need to pass it off even just till i fall asleep...
4th-Aug-2008 11:50 pm - Just frigging decide
...and in other news.

What is it with people?!? Im single for months and noone wants me then 2 days after i change my bebo status cause ive started seeing someone i have 3 guys txting me wanting me and a girl who has me absolutely wrapped round her finger but has a g/f said she missed the way we used to talk (flirt) and wanted me to start again. Problem was the fact that the flirting we used to do was starting to lead to dangerous ground for both of us and I wouldn't be able to share her if i could get her so i can't get back into that again. My heart would skip a beat all the time when we used to txt each other.....god dammit!!

None of this could have happened before now could it? Nooooo that would have been too simple.

Anyways off to bed with me i think.
Is there a story behind your real name or avatar? How did you end up being called that?

My real name should have been Katie. Mum and Dad had decided that i was to be named Katie but when i was born it wasnt long after my gran had died and Mum had an overwhelming urge to call me Jean after her and Dad agreed and thus my name is Jean.

My nickname Denim came from Lara. When i was with Tina her and Lara were friends (this is how i know Lar) and she called me Denim Trouser Leg (denimtl) and it stuck. A lot of my friends call me Denim and i even have it tattooed on my ankle for all time. Thanks Lar :D
Have you ever crushed on your closest friend? Did you keep it secret, were there problems or did it blossom into something more?

I was totally smitten with my best friend in high school for ages and ages....until he told me he was gay :S

That was a twist i did not expect lol
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