Can't decide if tonight was a good night or a bad night.

Fucking wanker boy and his new whore turned up at the mission half way through the night and proceeded to dance right beside us so i couldn't bloody escape them. It was either whore features and her hackett stick of a friend or else it was him and her being all lovely dovey to a fucking rock song which isnt even grindable to?!? I also got the lovely comment of being "Little Miss Nobody" as stick and whore wandered past me because i was waiting at the door for my friends. I feel sorry to point out a few home truths but i am far from being Little Miss nobody these days. I have so many friends who respect me and actually want to spend time with me. I don't need to put on a show or worry about things when im around them cause they just accept me for who i am.

Have to give huge shouts to Alex, Martin, Nicky and Liz for tonight and for helping me to keep calm and not punch the mother fuckers in the face.

Im still so angry though that they made me feel uncomfortable in one of the places i feel most comfortable and don't have to hide who i am. Right now i wish more than anything that i could text the one person who would reassure me completely and hug me till i felt better. Problem is that she is on the other side of the world and i cant contact her at all. It hurts so much to not be able to call her or just see her smiling cause her smile could literally warm a cold dark room and ANYBODY who knows her would agree to that fact. 13 months is so long to wait for her :( Feels like i lost a limb as well as a best friend.

Its the strangest mixture of emotions being so happy for someone cause they have achieved their goals and for being so selfish and upset that the person got what they wanted all at the same time. Ailsa got her job in New York which im so happy about cause i know how much she desperately wanted it. She leaves in 4 weeks time. I don't know what im going to do without her.

I have been trying for weeks to sit down and actually do my review of last year and edit my new years resolutions which i have made up but just never had the time to put into words and now that i find myself with a moment to do it im stuck feeling really annoyed so can't be bothered. It also doesnt help that im on Terri's laptop and my programme which has those entries to edit is on my computer which is on the whole other side of this room.

I even did something that i never ever do....i put a personal yet non identifying rant post up on my bebo page. With so many colleagues and managers on my bebo page these days i never post anything of real significance so as to keep myself out of trouble.

Im in the type of mood where i just want to keep drumming on these keys getting every little pathetic thought out of my head and for everything to be nice, early and crystal clear for at least once in my life. This year is shaping up to suck the biggest load of balls ever in the world and my group of people i regard as my safety net and preparing to dissolve in half. By spring two of my best friend will be gone to various areas of the world and the other two wil be further settled in with their families. Am i being left behind? Im on this whole new business related journey but i dont know if the rest of my life has stalled because of it. I want nothing more than to pool all my money (what little i have) together and to jet half way around the world to spend time with a guy i have never physically met yet have spoken to online and through emails since i was 14 years old. He is the country i want to be in and is probably my soul mate but its something i dont know and dont know if i will ever get to knwo.

Sigh Im going to end this here cause i have just spiralled into a very confusing and surprising tangent which i need to get my head round. Plus if i keep typing at such a pace i feel i may break the keys on Terri's laptop and i doubt she would be at all pleased with me for that one.

You are a fucking idiot!! If you don't realise that i kinda love you then you don't deserve me. I would do absolutely anything for you and you just can't see it or you don't want to see it. Stop playing games with me cause you know i cant resist it cause it's you and you nkow the way i feel. Wish i could say all this to you but in not strong enough :(

I hate when my friends hurt and i don't know why or how to help
I hate the way i feel about myself
I hate the fact i need to be drunk to feel free and happy
I hate the way i am
I hate how much i adore him
I hate that he doesn't adore me
I hate that people I barely see notice more than the ones i see everyday
I hate that I can't seem to find what i want/need
I hate the way i look
I hate the way i feel
I hate that i miss you
I hate that you know i do
I hate that the night ended like this
I hate that i want to cry

This is a lot of hate but right now i need to pass it off even just till i fall asleep...

...and in other news.

What is it with people?!? Im single for months and noone wants me then 2 days after i change my bebo status cause ive started seeing someone i have 3 guys txting me wanting me and a girl who has me absolutely wrapped round her finger but has a g/f said she missed the way we used to talk (flirt) and wanted me to start again. Problem was the fact that the flirting we used to do was starting to lead to dangerous ground for both of us and I wouldn't be able to share her if i could get her so i can't get back into that again. My heart would skip a beat all the time when we used to txt each other.....god dammit!!

None of this could have happened before now could it? Nooooo that would have been too simple.

Anyways off to bed with me i think.

My real name should have been Katie. Mum and Dad had decided that i was to be named Katie but when i was born it wasnt long after my gran had died and Mum had an overwhelming urge to call me Jean after her and Dad agreed and thus my name is Jean.

My nickname Denim came from Lara. When i was with Tina her and Lara were friends (this is how i know Lar) and she called me Denim Trouser Leg (denimtl) and it stuck. A lot of my friends call me Denim and i even have it tattooed on my ankle for all time. Thanks Lar :D

I was totally smitten with my best friend in high school for ages and ages....until he told me he was gay :S

That was a twist i did not expect lol

wow long time no post.

Kinda lost track or LJ, Bebo and all my stuff and am just starting to get back to checking them and using them again.

Passed my Olympics and am now a Stepping Stones manager on the Home Shopping department at work. Its really hard work, long hours and very very stressful. I have lost so much weight since starting that all my new work clothes are too big for me and as people keep pointing out my boobs are shrinking too which isnt too good but i need to keep working hard.

Im still missing Terry. I can block it out every now and again but i can't get him out of my head at all. I really really love him still and no matter what i do it doesnt seem to be fading :( Pulled a couple times aswell but nothing too serious plus i got a nice offer of some girl fun which i am seriously considering ;)

Im feeling very lost just now, don't quite know what im doing with myself. I seem to be working all the time and when im not working im either sleeping or drinking myself into oblivion which isnt healthy but its the only thing thats keeping this pretend smile on my face. I don't know how to make myself happy again.

On a plus point i can't finish this entry just now cause i need to go get ready to see the backstreet boys in Glasgow....WOO HOO!!

Oh god I have my Olympics today for the Stepping Stones to manager programme....keep all fingers, toes, legs etc crossed for me!